Limiting Beliefs – Dr D

Welcome to Doing It On Purpose, your shortcut to reinventing yourself,

with a few giggles along the way, for all good brown girls and beyond.

I'm Dal, aka The Happiologist, your host, and after 20 years of

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I'm Dal, The Happiologist, and I am doing this on purpose.

Hi everyone, it's your pal, Dal.

Thanks for joining us today.

We're into the new year and in this series we're focusing on harnessing a

healthy new you physically and mentally.

So I am super, super happy to introduce a very special guest, Dr.

Denise Freeman, also aka Dr.

D, a chartered psychologist based in London.

And Dr.

counsellor working with juveniles and she then went on to qualify in psychology

And she has a ridiculous, numerous amount of qualifications under her belt.

There's too many to mention, but it does include hypnotherapy, theta healing, NLP,

EMDR, the list is absolutely endless.

And Dr.

D is very much global.

She's practiced not only in the UK, but in Finland, Netherlands,

the US, Romania, Malaysia, Nepal.

You're somewhere in Europe now, I think.

So really, really happy to have you on board.

And what I love about Dr.

D is that, you know, she employs a huge range of psychological models

and techniques through the kind of integrative psychotherapy that she does.

I'm very specific to needs.

So.

Huge welcome to you, Dr.

D

First off, can I say that this is absolutely the biggest honor

for me and for our listeners.

I know you've been approached to do many a podcast and media in the past.

I'm not surprised with all your kind of accreditations and I

know you've been mega busy.

So blessed to hear you talk today.

And just for the benefit of our listeners, I had the privilege of working with Dr.

D over a decade now when I was actually in the deepest, darkest depths of anxiety.

And she helped me, you know, reframe my thinking, understand why I thought a

certain way and why I acted a certain way.

And I am absolutely hugely indebted to you, Dr.

D for all of that.

And I really, really wanted our listeners to benefit from some of your wisdom.

So thank you for that.

So onto today's topic of discussion, we're talking about the power

of our mind and how it drives all our actions and behaviors.

So much of the things we do and the way we act sits in our subconscious mind.

You know, we tend to say it's just our personality or our genetic makeup.

So we don't have any control of it.

But, you know, psychology is such a huge area to cover in one podcast, but I want

to hone in on a really important area of psychology, which once we've worked

through can really help change you in so many ways, and that's limiting beliefs.

And I've done a, quite a few social media posts and blogs around

this as huge interest around it.

And it continues to be an area which is quite important, not

least in South Asian communities.

You know, it plays a huge role in how our lives play out.

And actually, you know, once we understand this and really get under

the skin of it, as you know, Dr.

D for me, we can transform our lives the better.

And especially as we are starting in this new year, and some of us really

want to grow in and, you know, a number of ways, this will really help hugely.

So again, I'm so psyched to get into this with you.

And I just really want to start with the basics.

So I guess what are limiting beliefs and why do we need to bother about them?

So first up, thank you, Dal, for getting me on here.

Now, limiting beliefs.

I think before we go to limiting beliefs, we have to ask ourselves,

you know, what is a belief?

A nice way to, to sort of put it is, if we think about faith,

you know, faith is a belief.

It's not governed by a fact.

It's, you know, we, we put credence on it.

We, we put value onto it.

And we might say, Faith is a belief and science is evidence without belief.

It's a nice way of putting it.

So, we might say that in, in some, a belief is something that is an idea,

it's a thought or a feeling that we put faith in, that we put value to.

And a limiting belief is something that is a belief that doesn't serve us.

It's a belief that we have that may not be based on fact, but it's something that

we, that we have learned, we've acquired, and something that perhaps sets us back.

It might impact our health, it might impact our relationships, and

keeps us in a state of stuckness.

It's quite powerful stuff and I think it's really important for

us to understand how it impacts us, you know, on a day to day.

But one of the things I really wanted to understand is, you know, can

having limiting beliefs harm you?

So, you know, I'm just thinking particularly in relationships.

You know, people staying in relationships that don't serve them, you know, sometimes

not being able to, I suppose, make a decision to move forward away from

something which is toxic in their lives.

You know, is that part of limiting beliefs?

Is that, you know, I'm certainly thinking about kind of the

new year where we say, right.

The start of the new year, and I've certainly do this every year as I say,

right, I'm going to, you know, write my book, or I'm going to go on to think

about a new career move, or actually this relationship doesn't serve me anymore.

Do limiting beliefs have an impact in terms of allowing us to move

forward to do some of those things, which almost feel aspirational,

but kind of stop us in our tracks.

What an excellent question.

So there was an article in the journal of clinical psychology that said that

in that particular year, 40 percent of people would you know, would sort of

think, well, I want to change a behavior.

But 92 percent will find it difficult to maintain that new change in behavior.

And so what we find is, you know, when it comes to, to limiting beliefs.

Yes.

It can hold you back in so many areas of our lives.

And, and I think what it is is though, we, we need to ask a very important

question and that is, could it be, and I'm being a little bit controversial,

that limiting beliefs, a belief that you have actually can serve you in the

short term, even if it is limiting.

Right.

And so what it is, is the brain is always trying to preserve resources . So the

reason why a limiting belief might be there, or a belief that doesn't serve

you, it's there because it prevents you, because this is what the brain's thinking,

you know, I might get hurt, I might not feel safe, so the limiting belief is

there as a way to, in the short term, keep with what you're familiar with.

Keep with what you know.

And if you, if you stay with that, because you're familiar with it,

the idea, because the brain's weighing out cost and benefits.

What it's thinking is, if I have this new belief, what am I going to lose?

How much energy is that going to take?

And sometimes it's, you know, it's much easier going with the familiar

and staying in that familiar.

Because the thought of doing something else is like, how do I do it?

What do I have to change?

How much money will I have to spend?

Will I lose people?

Because in some ways, when we start to change our beliefs,

we're also changing our identity.

And therefore the question becomes, well, who will I be?

I think the question is, who do I want to be?

It's almost like a safety mechanism.

It's keeping everything in check.

So we don't do anything which we wouldn't feel comfortable.

And a lot of us are fearful.

So a lot of people that are in relationships, for example, feel that

they are not going to find anyone better, or they feel fearful that

they're not going to be loved again.

So, you know, Whilst, you know, the, the, the safety checks and balances are really

important, once we get under the skin of our limiting beliefs, can it help us kind

of move forward once we know actually, I'm safe here, I continue to move forward?

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

I think You know, you need to ask yourself, first of

all, what are my beliefs?

How are these beliefs serving me?

Are they serving me?

And if they're not serving me what would be the cost of

changing or adjusting that belief?

And And I think what's important is if we're not happy in a situation, if we

don't like a situation, or if you don't want to be in that situation, you have

to think of what the alternative is.

And I think a lot of people get stuck in their, in their, in their belief

system because the brain goes on a loop.

And it's, of course, you know, we've been programmed with our beliefs, haven't we?

So because we programmed with our beliefs over and over and over again, with our

parents saying the same thing, we go to school, schools say the same thing.

Society, you know, we're bombarded with, with pretty much

the same thing all the time.

So as the external environment programs you, you're programming yourself.

So now what it is, is you need to reprogram yourself over and over and over

and over again for a new belief to happen.

You know, you can't just say to yourself, well, I, I, you know, I, I need to change.

You have to really feel that this is a situation that you

really need to get out of.

You know, You have to need to want to believe in something else.

Well, that's fascinating.

And certainly the bit that you say around being hardwired and the influences

that you have as you're growing up.

And that's something I really want to touch on actually, because obviously

this is a Good Brown Girl podcast.

You know, obviously, you know, I wanted to put the microscope a little bit more

on the part of limiting beliefs might play from a cultural religious perspective.

So from what you say, people's beliefs are shaped by a complex

interplay of cultural, social, you know, family, personal factors.

However, there are some really common societal and cultural influences that

individuals have to grapple with.

So, you know, even speaking personally, beliefs around career.

So I did a law degree, you know, relationships, I've only dated Indian men.

And then there's these feelings, you know, in, in our society, which, you know,

can occur of inadequacy or comparison, you know, being a big thing, certainly

when I was growing up and there are expectations of perfectionism or.

You know, even a limiting voice, you know, in my own head that said,

well, you can't do that, you're a girl and boys are more important

or, you know, respect your elders.

So everything they say is right.

So, so how do people, especially from similar backgrounds, you know,

know what their limiting beliefs are and what are the common signs

that a person, you know, might be operating under those limiting beliefs?

So I think if we take a look at the similarities across the board, and you

know, what might be going on for, for, for people who, who have these limiting

beliefs, and we can see that some of the, you know, you look at the behavior, right?

What are they having to, to adjust?

So if, If, if you just go by your gut feel, something doesn't feel right,

listen to that, you know, something doesn't feel that it's inherently correct.

And what it is, is if you find yourself comparing, why does the older

brother in my family get all of this?

And as, as us girls, why do we not, why do we not get, what's, what's going on there?

So in other words, what it is, is one of the things that I've seen.

is that there's a general acceptance about how things are, right?

So a belief is handed down and you say, Oh, well, well, yeah, well, he's the boy,

so he's going to get all the inheritance.

I beg your pardon.

So some of the, some of the issues are, is that we, we come from, you

know, old traditions and then pseudo old and new traditions with, you know,

third generation, for instance, right?

So how do you, you know, how, how do you, how do you observe what is

traditional and respecting your, your, your, your parents versus, you know, how

things might be very different for you.

So one is we, we take a look at what is it that we're accepting?

Are we comparing with, with our siblings?

Are we, in some ways, using justification?

Well, you know, that's okay.

You know, it's because he, he is the older one.

Or, or it's okay, you know.

I'm staying with my aunt and, you know, we, we all stay with

our aunt and it's her house.

So obviously I, I have to cook all the meals and buy all the food and, and clean

the house, you know, so, and, and what is it that some of the other things are we.

bending over backwards?

Are we making excuses?

Are we justifying?

Are we perhaps feeling like as if we don't want to ruffle the waters?

Are we feeling like as if we are not important enough?

You know, this is hierarchical, so we can't, you know, we can't challenge it.

So there are a number, a number of things that, that may go on

in terms of how, you know, how we maintain our limiting beliefs.

And we have so many, right?

I know I had, you have probably had to pick so many from me

that actually I didn't even know were belief systems, right?

So the only way that You could have me move forward and reframe

was, you know, doing the hard work where we say, actually, where is

this thought process coming from?

This is why you behave in a certain way.

And that's not an overnight process.

Certainly for people like me that it's not always obvious in terms of

what what I feel are belief systems that come from somewhere else.

So I think, you know, we all kind of suffer from a little bit of that.

But how do we get to a place where...

one, we can start to really uncover what they are because

obviously I'm hitting 50 now.

So for me, it started to become a bit more obvious that the same

behaviors keep playing out for me.

So I know actually, is this my belief system?

Is this something that I've learned along the way?

So I'm getting better at being able to spot that.

But I guess, you know, if you're in a place where you don't even think

you've got limiting beliefs, right?

You say, this is my makeup.

This is the way I am.

How do you start to see what those are and how do you challenge them?

Another good question.

So there's a very, very, very simple way of, of doing this, right?

And it's, it's so, it's going to be so easy.

You know, your listeners and viewers are going to be like, what?

You get a piece of paper and if you write down the words, I can't,

or I will not, or I don't feel.

Or, I have to.

Okay, so, if you just put the I don't.

Okay, I will not, I don't want to.

You'll, you'll pretty soon be able to lay out what these beliefs are.

I don't feel attractive.

I don't like my body.

I will not go out on Sundays.

I believe that, you know, I, I have to stay in on Sundays

because that's my day of rest.

Where did you get that belief from?

Or I will not go out on a date with a guy who is shorter than me.

So where does that belief come from?

So that's one way of doing it.

And just actually on that, because we were going to talk about going to

obviously being able to challenge that, but especially in a world where we're

in this kind of body dysmorphia, and one of the says is, you know, I don't

like, so naturally a big one is, a lot of people who say I don't like my body.

So if we were to take that as an example of something which is a limiting belief,

because I think this exercise actually is just mind blowing because it's so simple.

And I guess you need to do it in a very freestyle kind of way.

So you're not thinking about it.

You just say, I can't, I don't.

So, you know, taking, I don't like my body, for example, how, how, once

you've, you've read that and actually it's quite illuminating when you've

written it down, what would you do to challenge that as, just as an

example, how would you challenge that?

There's a very simple technique, another simple

technique that involves the hands.

Now, say, for example, you take your left hand down now on your left hand,

you just look at the palm, right?

And in the middle of your palm, you're saying, I don't feel attractive.

I don't like my body.

So that's in the middle of your palm.

Now, what then you do is you list out five limiting beliefs.

You have five digits as to what maintains This thought or this belief.

Okay.

Right.

So we might say I don't like my body because what maintains that thinking?

We might say, I don't get dates.

You know, I don't get dates.

No one asks me out.

We might say, you know, my body type is, is, is different.

We might say that, you know my, my, my colleagues look at me in a certain way.

We might say, what else?

I don't like the way I look in clothes.

My clothes don't fit me, yeah.

Clothes don't fit me.

And then you have another one that says you know, my sister

gets most of the attention.

Okay?

So now you've got your, your, your limiting belief, and then

you've got the, what maintains it.

Now, if you take your right palm...

I'm loving this.

And you are looking at the middle of your palm.

Now you want to have a new belief.

Hmm.

Okay?

So you want to have a positive belief.

And what's the positive belief?

The positive belief might be, where would you like to get to?

That I accept my body for what it is.

So now, what five new beliefs do you need to maintain in order to go

with ' I accept my body for what it is'.

So you might say, well, I'm going to buy clothes that fit me or I'm

going to focus on my, on the other parts of my body that, that I like.

I'm going to speak better of myself.

I'm going to think about the words that I use when I talk about

myself, going to use affirmations.

I might also start mingling with, with people who are more positive for me.

Right.

So now when you look at these two, you've got your limiting beliefs and

now you've got your new positive belief.

So you're looking at it and what we want to do is every morning when you wake up,

go to the bathroom and you're looking at this, or it can be anywhere, and when

you're looking at your new beliefs, what you want to do is you want to take this

hand and you want to start doing this

wow.

Almost kind of squashing it, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you, you are actually also rewarding yourself in some ways.

What it is, is we want these limiting beliefs to sort of, you

know, you want to reconstruct them.

And so you have, when you're clapping your hands, you're saying, Yay, I

know what these are, I know what I do.

Right.

And have gratitude for these moments of awareness.

And then We're just going to do it every day.

Bring your hands together.

Cause I think it's really, really important to you know, awareness is

something that we absolutely need to have.

And when we talk about, you know, what are some of the things that,

you know, what are the steps that we need to, in order to, to.

To change a limiting belief.

And again, we use the rule of five.

So the first thing is being aware of what these limiting beliefs are.

And you know, we've said that you can just write, I can't, I will not.

So being aware of it is essentially the question, where does it come from?

Where does it come from?

Where does it come from?

So understanding where it comes from is really important.

Because, you know, I think we all have stories.

Where something comes from is usually tied to something, stories and

emotion, you know, you told a story and you were made to feel scared or

someone told you a story and it was the person of authority and you, you

believed it, you didn't challenge it.

So, so the first thing is awareness of where that story comes from.

I'm going to sort of deviate a little bit and tell you a little story of, of how,

you know, I discovered that, you know, my own limiting beliefs and I didn't know.

It was a limiting belief, right?

So when I was 24 years old, I was in the gym and I was, I was

feeling really proud of myself.

You know, I could afford a gym membership.

And but I was a little bit fearful of using these massive,

you know, pieces of equipment.

So I just thought I'd walk on the treadmill because,

you know, I couldn't run.

So I was walking on the treadmill, walking, walking, walking, it

was like this for, for weeks now.

And one day I, I, you know, was feeling a little bit brave and

I started to look around me.

And I noticed that the person beside me was about 20 years older.

And I'm like, wow, they're jogging.

So then I decided to match their pace, and I started jogging too, and was

quite content until a few weeks later I saw somebody else who was three times

older, and I thought, gosh, they're running really fast, why can't I do that?

Anyway, I matched their pace and then not long after, I was

running fast for up to an hour.

I was running up to a speed of 11 and, and that's fast for any person.

And I just thought, hang on a minute, this is, this is so odd.

Why did I believe that I couldn't run?

Where did this come from?

And I started to think about my story and then I remembered that when I was eight

years old, I had my appendix removed.

And I remember the surgeon saying to me, whatever you do, don't run.

Wow.

I never ran and I managed to get out of activities in school.

I became the school librarian and just did everything to avoid exercise and running.

It came to a point when as the years went by, I actually forgot what my story was.

Wow.

And, and then it occurred to me at that point, I thought, hang on a

minute, what other beliefs do I have?

So I listed them all out on a piece of paper.

And this is what I did.

I wrote down, I can't eat egg yolk.

I can't eat liver.

So what was the story with the egg yolk and the story of the egg yolk

was when I was a little child.

Someone in the family was, was feeding me and they said, Oh, you know, this is,

this is where the mama chicken comes from.

I never had egg yolk again, but what I realized out was the moment what happens

with the awareness aspect is that when you're aware of how these things come

from, you are aware of your story.

Now something happens in the brain.

All of a sudden I was able to then eat egg yolk.

I was able to eat cheese, dal.

And so I came up with a line.

I actually came up with a line that said, I am never going to

believe anything I say again.

Brilliant.

So the, the, the second step of you know, this is, I call it the five

A's is, is really to assess whether your belief is true or not, you

know, is there evidence in this?

And the, the assessment itself, because you have choice every step,

every step of the way into assessing this belief is, is this true?

Is this true today?

Does this, does this still work?

Does it still apply?

And then we're taking a look at.

Okay, if, if it no longer serves you, if that belief no longer serves you,

then what is it you need to adjust?

So you might say, I need, so in the case of someone who is, you know,

doesn't feel, you know, that they, they're not happy with their bodies.

What do I need to adjust?

Is it the thinking that needs to adjust?

Do I need to change my environment?

You know, perhaps change my exercise regime, my, my diet?

In order to have a new belief, we might ask ourselves that, you know,

if there is an, an alternate belief, what, what would that look like?

And then, you know, and if we find this new belief and we say, okay,

it's, it's, you know, I'm going to accept how I am and my body type,

I'm going to accept, then what is it that perhaps if there is acceptance?

How am I going to accept it?

What, what would I need to say?

So then now we're taking a look at affirmations and perhaps we

might say that affirmation is, you know, I trust that whoever loves

me will love me for all that I am.

For all the shapes and sizes that I may be from one time, from one

life stage to another life stage.

You know, so the, the affirmations based on changing a, a belief

system is so important.

It's like your mantra.

Now look at this hand.

Every day, looking at the new positive belief.

Every day.

And then, you know, finally, it's the application.

Because changing a belief system is enough.

Not enough.

You say, okay, I accept myself.

Yeah, but apply it.

And it requires practice over and over and over again.

Just as, just as much as you program yourself throughout the

years with one way of thinking.

Now, if you adopt a new approach and reconstruct that belief,

it's going to require repetition.

And I think you're absolutely right.

And sometimes for us, that's, you know, kind of the hardest part, the application,

almost with everything is, is the tough part because you have to get into a place

where you're very motivated to do that.

And having awareness is nothing if you don't have the application.

It's something like you say that you need to continue to develop

and as you were talking, we hear a lot now about neuroplasticity.

So we're hearing more and more about it and the fact that we can

rewire our brains of whatever term that we want to use around it.

And a lot of this is exactly what you're saying, that we don't have to be stuck

with this belief system as we once upon a time thought that we'd have, we would have

to whatever we'd learned from childhood.

We can now actually, like you say, use those five steps that you've just

mentioned and actually be able to recreate a new world from ourselves.

But we've got to have that honesty point, that awareness and really

being able to, to get into the skin of what those belief systems are.

You can reframe your thinking and you can change your world around with

the motivation and, you know, putting the work in to be able to do it.

Absolutely.

And the key word that you use there is, you know, reframing, because

reframing things, and the thing about a belief is it's, it's a belief.

It's how we view something, right?

If we were to adjust that and we say, Okay.

Do you have any other beliefs?

And that's essentially reframing, right?

How you think about something.

So if you, if you believe that all black cats are you know bad luck.

Okay.

You know, if we were to reframe that, you might say, Oh, all

black cats are just cats.

That we say all black cats are, they might have lots of character.

You know, so just, I think reframing is, is such a wonderful way of lifting you

out of a way of thinking a fair chance.

I think the whole thing about how we get stuck with something.

And, and how the choices that we make in life and it goes on repeat

and it's a, it's a pattern says a lot about that, that belief itself.

And beliefs are so powerful, you know, and, and it's very, very

difficult to shift a belief.

Very tough actually.

You know, we, we get comfortable.

Yeah, I think you're right.

And also I think the really tricky part is that we don't

actually think it's a bad belief.

So, you know, for example, especially, you know, talking a lot about society

and cultural beliefs, you know, a lot of us are very protective over our culture,

very protective over our religion.

And I think there are beliefs that we have that may not necessarily serve us

in, serve us in certain ways, but actually we hold those firm in our minds and we

can have the awareness and say, actually I do X, Y, and Z because it's part of

my religion, it's part of my culture.

But actually get into the place where that we can unpick that and say,

actually, well, this bit is naturally serving me and feeling brave about that.

And I talk a lot about in, you know, these podcasts and, you know, the, the

blogs I do is around finding courage.

To be able to have those open dialogues with yourself and saying, actually,

whilst it's important, it doesn't take anything away from, you know, for me

being a good seat girl or, you know, being part of Punjabi or Indian society.

I'm still that person, but actually these particular parts don't serve

me in my journey going forward.

And an example is that, you know, is my divorce which,

you know, I got divorced good.

14, 15 years ago, a time when it was so taboo and so

against society and community.

And I'm looking at my friends and my beautiful family supported me.

But, you know, if I were to allow my social, my religious, my cultural, you

know, beliefs in during that time, then I probably wouldn't have made any moves.

So I guess.

That's a tough part, isn't it?

When you're trying to balance how what you believe and what you want to do as

opposed to not wanting to deviate from what is seen to be the right thing to do.

Correct.

It takes a lot of courage.

You know, essentially breaking away from beliefs that are tied into a value system.

Yeah.

And.

I, you know, I, I wonder if ultimately the, the, the place to to get to

is not to have any beliefs at all or not, you know, that's probably

another podcast, but another school is another school of thought is, is

just quite the opposite is to have.

You know, what's the opposite of a limited beliefs unlimited,

unlimited is what about this?

What about that?

Have you thought about this?

Can we do that?

And you know, so is, is.

Could it be that, that maybe we should all, as, as, as a society, as, as, you

know humankind should be getting to a place where all things are possible?

And, and yes, that requires courage, it requires breaking the mould, stepping

out of what we know getting out of the box, thinking outside of the box.

And I think to your point, and I'm just using from my experience, as well.

And some of the ones that you've mentioned you know, from, from your, you know,

kind of younger years is you, when you go onto your left hand and say, actually,

that these are the new beliefs that I want is to be able to, to continue to

reinforce them and realize actually.

What impact do you think by, you know, those beliefs that you've now got

on your left hand, what, what do you think is going to impact other people?

Because for me, you know, the paranoia set in, certainly when I was

going through a divorce, you know, what are community going to say?

What are other people going to say?

Well, how am I family going to feel?

But actually all of those beliefs were incorrect because I had a very supportive

family and actually society, community, whoever they are, they get over it.

So, so it's also actually then working across that and saying, well, actually.

I'm not harming anybody.

What I thought, what the fear that set in actually, is this a realistic fear?

Yeah, exactly.

And it is true.

I think a lot of things are in, in our heads.

You know, it sits in our heads and it sits in our hearts as being really

heavy, but, but if you come out and you say, Hey, you know, this is what

I'm doing, you know you know, are you really going to be loved less?

Or be a trailblazer like you?

I'm working on it.

Thanks to you.

I'm working on it.

But yes, you helped me remove those beliefs and actually the bit that I just

said there is, is, you know, you know, you and I often talked about this is

being almost held back by things that you think aren't actually even true.

Like me thinking society wants me to do this, my community, my family, my friends,

my employers, they want me to do this.

And actually a lot of these beliefs aren't correct.

So really challenging them is really important.

The bit that you picked up and I'm going slightly off piece, but

I think it is really important.

for us to understand our brains and why they work this way.

And you were brilliant in being able to get me to understand this.

And it's fascinating.

It's about how our brains have not evolved.

Why do we have so much fear?

Why do we have so much stress?

Why do we have so much anxiety?

When a lot of the time, these thoughts and feelings that we have aren't real.

So, so it's a lot bigger in, in, in our heads, right?

So one of the, one of the reasons is because it stays in our heads, right?

You know, it stays there and it builds.

So it's not like you're laying it out on a piece of paper and you go, okay, now what?

And now what?

And now what?

So what happens with with this kind of a way of being is,

is what we call rumination.

So we ruminate a lot and rumination is, is, is essentially the oscillation

of thinking, going backwards and forwards, like a rocking chair,

of not quite getting anywhere.

And so there's a kind of stuckness and, and that energy kind of builds over time.

So then it becomes a lot bigger.

And the other thing is, is quite often, the second reason is

quite often, we, we imagine that.

Society or people are spending just as much thinking about us as

we are thinking about ourselves.

The reality is, is that, you know, someone may get upset with you or be unhappy with

you, but it might be in the short term.

But, you know, we're carrying this in our heads because we imagine,

oh, they're going to think this, they're going to think this.

And we spend hours thinking about it, thinking that that is exactly.

The, you know, the amount of time they're spending with it.

So, so, so what helps is really writing it down, talking about it, using the,

and what, and, and, and, and then what, and then what, to help the brain get.

unstuck and less loaded as it were.

We might also say that depending on, on how you know, you make decisions,

and you're, you, one would take a look at your, your decision making,

you know, how are you with decisions?

Because some people are terrible with making decisions.

It depends.

They might, they might make great decisions when it comes to finance,

but then terrible decisions when it comes to relationships.

So I think sometimes the idea of having something in a, something in, in,

in your head, making a decision that the, you know, the, the cost is just.

Way, way too much.

And I think what happens is there's this kind of procrastination.

I'll, I'll deal with it later.

I'll deal with it later.

I'll deal with it later.

So, so then it's there and it becomes this big, huge thing, you know, because

it's been sat there for so long.

So it's got time.

You know, I think that as soon as you discover that something

doesn't serve you, attend to it.

And it's getting better in practice in that, I mean, we hear a lot, you

know, from the wonderful, amazing people like Eckhart Tolle about the

importance of being in the present moment, because obviously we can start

to free ourselves from our mind and, you know, we see, we're seeing a huge rise,

even more so in depression and anxiety.

And, you know, one of the hardest things is being able to have that detachment from

the mind because that's Nirvana, right?

Is when we're in meditation, we are detaching ourselves from the mind.

And that's why we feel so peaceful.

We have so much energy is because we can get to a place where we are at peace.

But I think one of the most difficult things for people to do is to be

able to exactly to your point, is be able to catch ourselves when that

ruminations happening and saying, actually, that's repetitive behavior.

That you've got, that's a, that's a a fact in your mind that actually isn't true.

So it's fictional.

How do we get to a place where we're able to catch those thoughts?

So Dal, there are two kinds of thinking in, in, in general, right?

Two types of thinking, or ways of thinking.

So, one is structured, and one is unstructured.

Now, structured thinking is when you have a thought, and you're saying

okay, I need to plan a holiday because I'd like to go away in the summer.

So structured thinking is when you have a thought, you start the planning and you

form a series of actions to get you there.

So it's constructive and it's productive.

So that's structured thinking.

Now unstructured thinking is where the rumination happens and you're oscillating.

So you're thinking I should really ask the boss for a pay rise.

Oh, but then I got a pay rise last year.

Maybe I shouldn't, I haven't been performing that well.

And you have.

One thought after another thought after another thought is not productive,

it's not constructive, and furthermore, every accompanying thought leads

to an undesirable emotion, right?

So now, the structured thinking is generally a frontal lobe,

which is planning, decision making forward thinking, you know,

sort of putting things together.

And unstructured thinking tends to be more sort of backbrain, which is where

your amygdala, your, your emotions are.

So what we should try to do is have More structured thinking,

depending on the context.

And when it comes to unstructured thinking, you need to catch yourself.

And as soon as you realize that, okay, I've already gone to one question and

another question, and now I'm looping.

So what, what you know, a strategy that I, I like to use is, is, I'm

going to take out my little prop here.

You have a little ball, cute little.

Now, what it is, is the moment you realize that you have a thought in your head and

you ask yourself, what is this thought?

Is it structured or unstructured?

And you say, okay, if this is a thought and it's not serving me and I need

to drop ball, I need to answer it.

So, in other words, if I'm going to ask my boss for a raise, Am I

going to ask my boss for a raise?

Yes.

Okay.

What am I going to do it tomorrow?

Ball drops.

Now, soon as a ball drops, you're not allowed to pick up that ball again.

Like, am I going to ask him for a raise?

No, no.

You've already answered the question.

So structured and unstructured thinking is sort of a, you know, just sort of a

very simple little technique you can use to help you with perhaps even beliefs.

Like, if you have a belief, like, oh, I'm not good enough, yeah, my boss didn't give

me a raise, unstructured thinking, oh, yeah, my sister didn't get me a present,

oh my neighbor had a party and didn't invite, okay, so now what we want to do

is you want to be able to drop that ball.

In order to do so, we're going to say, okay.

I'm not going to be concerned about what other people think because I'm more

interested in a set of beliefs that I can create for myself that really work for me.

And these are, I'm not going to be bothered that I wasn't invited to a party.

I'm still going to keep buying my sister birthday presents.

It doesn't matter what she gets me.

I know she loves me.

Ball drops.

. Dal: And off it goes.

Wow.

That's such a, it sounds so simple as well, that technique.

But I think it's like you say, you're bringing it to your awareness once

you brought it to your awareness.

And there's also almost a physical activity attached to it, that actually

in your mind, it becomes In fact, it becomes a, well, I've done it.

So I love that there's that actual kind of physical, you know, being able

to, to, to let go even with that ball.

It's like saying off you go, right.

That's done right.

Next thought.

What is it?

I absolutely love that.

Unconscious time.

I could just talk to you forever and ever, and I'm sure you'd want to hear.

We're in the new year now.

So I'm just thinking there's lots there.

You've given some great practical exercises, just time in terms of summary,

if we wanted to set some realistic goals, could you just summarize it?

What is it that we need to be doing to get really if we want to reframe our

thinking and really kind of get to a place where we reinventing ourselves

and removing ourselves from limiting beliefs that have held us back?

How would you just summarize some really kind of Thank you.

quick goals that we can do or exercises that we can do now.

I guess summarizing some of what you said and how do we make that stick?

How do we hold ourselves accountable for that?

So I, you know, keeping it simple cause you don't want to

have, you don't want to change.

10 or 12, you know, all these beliefs.

You want to pick, you want to pick two, you know.

And I think you're going to have to ask yourself which one of these

beliefs are, are beliefs that are going to, to really make me happy.

And, you know, happiness is about your, your, your mental well being.

It's about joy.

It's about, Peace, you know, it's about being calm.

So I think you want to be able to pick, to work on something that is realistic, you

want to keep it simple, and also something that you, you know, it's a belief that

is going to be so positive for you.

And what makes it stick is doing the hand exercise.

Size every, and that's just one.

You know, if my li limiting belief is that I don't matter,

now I'm saying I matter, right?

And all you need to do is just focus on I matter.

And what and what are these five things that are going to

make me feel that I matter?

What do I need to maintain boundaries?

say nice things to myself, right?

Me first, for instance.

So, so in other words, if you just keep it simple by saying, okay, I'm

going to start with this one and I'm going to make sure that, you

know, it's, it's there every day.

That's all you need.

When we articulate something out loud or we tell somebody something like,

so say for example, I don't know if you want to change your career, you say,

right, this year I'm going to have a new job and it's going to be, and then

you can be descriptive as you want.

But is there something kind of I don't know if there's scientifically or, you

know, whatever it is that says that when we start to articulate things, whether

we're writing it or whether we're saying it out loud, that actually a lot of

people talk about putting it out into the universe, but, you know, Is that a, is

that a method that you could use to be able to really start to, to shift things?

Absolutely.

I think when you, when you, you know, when you write it down, it's like a contract.

Mm.

Right.

And you could also write yourself a letter.

So d what I like to do every year is I like to have a headline,

like a theme for the year.

Hmm.

It's simple.

You know, I like simple, simple ideas.

I don't like, you know, complicated stuff, but it's a simple thing.

And if you, if you have a headline every year, okay, you know, last year might be

say, for example, saving, you know, saving the planet, looking after the environment.

So what is it this year?

Well, last year might be for somebody else or, you know, this year might be for me.

Now, I think if you put things down onto, onto paper, it's, it's a contract, yes.

And if you have a theme, that's also very helpful.

Furthermore, the, the idea of communicating to someone or having

a, a friend or a buddy that you can team up with to say, okay,

let's hold each other accountable.

That's great.

And I think.

The other thing that, that, that this is, you know, tricking the mind

exercise more instead of thinking, I'm going to exercise more to sign up.

So in other words, what you're doing is you're, you know, you're forcing

yourself because if you've already signed up, you just have to do it.

Yeah.

You've got to take action now, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's forcing you.

I love that.

I think that's so helpful.

And I think, you know, just having that kind of practical.

actionable measures is really important.

So you mentioned just as, as we kind of close, you talked a lot about, you

know, within that is happiness and that's, you know, I'm a happiologist,

I'm always trying to, to help people kind of develop their mindset to

understanding they're happy and.

you know, we often talk about the happiness pie.

So, you know, research and there's mounds of it says that 10 percent of

happiness is based on circumstances.

50 percent is on genetics and 40 percent is intentional activity.

So.

So you can control almost, if you total up the circumstances around

you, up to 50 percent of it.

And I think we spend so much time trying to make others happy, but we rarely

stop and ask us what makes us happy.

So, you know, I think If what you're saying is certainly around goals, I would

say is when we're setting our goals and that theme for the year is around actually

what makes me happy and how can I achieve that because I don't think we afford

ourselves the time to actually say what makes happiness, what makes you happy

and what makes me happy are probably very different things or, you know, everyone,

no one, no one person thinks the same way.

So I'd certainly say that, you know, investing time to actually stop and say,

what makes me with a capital M E happy as opposed to everybody else is something I

guess people should really think about.

And certainly when their goals, I mean, you've given me so much there I've already

got my goal set for this year, but I think I'm going to tweak them a little bit more.

And I think I'm really excited about some of the actionable

activities that you've given.

What I normally do at the end of these things is two quick fire questions.

So I'd be really keen to get a sense from you.

What's your key to happiness?

My key to happiness?

Well, you know, staying as present as, as much as possible.

And, you know, I, I don't want to say it sort of loosely.

There's so many things there, right?

For me, ultimately, happiness is really about growth.

And growth is being able to, it's that moment when you, you, you realize

in some ways when you are wrong.

It's a funny thing to be happy about but I think as a psychologist you

know, I'm always looking to understand, always looking to, to change, always

looking to, to be, to, to not go down the road that I, that usually

go to and sit with a discomfort.

So happiness is, is when you sort of discover something that you

thought was, and then you, you kind of realize, Oh no, it, it isn't.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

And, and, and that's kind of nice.

Happiness is also about being able to, to let go and, and not hold on to, to

things in a way that, that shackles you.

Mm.

For me staying present and, and being able to, to experience as much as possible.

And, and being kind, I think kindness makes me happy, you know

being of service to, to, to people.

Yeah.

And you've got that in bucket loads, certainly your kindness and how much

service and what you do for other people.

And that's a really great summary.

The other question I was going to ask is, if you knew then what you do now, what

would you tell your 20 year old self?

So what advice would you give yourself?

Don't worry so much.

I now know that There is always an answer, but if you don't get your

answer right now, that you just have to trust the universe, you know, trust the

universe that if you don't get what you want, there's probably a reason for it.

And you know, what can you learn from that?

And it's, it's like humans, humans worry too much.

You know, they, they care too much about what other people think, but

it takes time to get to a place where you're able to just trust,

because we, we're all control freaks.

You know, we want to control, we want to control, you know, what people say

about us, we want to control what we do.

You know, everything's about being able to sort of monitor things.

And I feel that while.

You go through different stages in your life and it's important to have

some control over certain things.

Ultimately, it's, it's okay to, to not have control, that

it's, you know, just trust.

Everything's gonna be okay.

You'll find an answer.

I love that.

And I think, you know, I'm just looking at the two questions I asked

you and actually what theme comes from that is the sense of freedom.

It's almost giving yourself a sense of freedom and just letting things go and

And I know that you used to reinforce this a lot during our conversations

and one of the things that I definitely took away was, and you were absolutely

right, of course, was let it go, right?

The universe will work it out for you if you trust.

And actually, as soon as I was able to let go, everything else just started to

fall into place rather than me trying to, you know, attach myself to the need and

the desire for things to happen when we, when we trust the universe and we let go.

And to your point around freedom within your mind, it's so liberating.

Yeah, so liberating.

I could talk to you forever.

And I will continue to, I'm sure constantly book you because I think

you're amazing and I think there's so many more podcasts I'd absolutely love

to do, like you, with you and you've given people so much food for thought and

So I am so very grateful to you and all your amazing advice, and I wish

everybody lots of love and light.

Thank you.

Thank you

. Dal: Thanks for tuning in.

Lovely listeners.

Any questions or thoughts?

Drop me an email at dal@theHappiologist.

com and follow me on my social media, theHappiologist, to stay connected

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